Andrew RamirezFamily, Friends, Father, Fads, Fun, Food, Feelings, Focus and Whatever the "F" I Want to Talk About

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This subject of “steps” has hit a nerve among my loyal readers and friends.  The articles prior to this, “Does Becoming a Real Dad Feel Different Than Being a Step Dad” and “The Relentless Rise of Bastard Step Children and the Evil Step Dad” have received a bunch of comments and social media activity.  There’s been a request for more.

I think in the past this subject perhaps has been one of those things better left unsaid.  Until now.  As such there is another topic I would like to discuss.

By now you should know that I have two children.  My first daughter is my wife’s biological daughter from a previous relationship who I’ve raised for about fourteen or so years and my second daughter is a newborn that is of my “pedigree”.

To recap, recently with the birth of my new baby I’ve been getting different comments about my Daddy “status”.  The most prominent goes something like this… “Congratulations on becoming a father, a real father, not a step dad.   Well you know what I mean, you raised Brittney and all but it’s different.  She’s your step daughter and not really yours.  How does it feel?  It must feel different huh?”

I don’t think I can count the times I have heard this or some variation.  It has stirred up some curiosity in me to really think about the subject of “steps”.  It has prompted me to reflect.

What the Hell is a “Step” Anyway

In the “old” days this taboo of mixed families was left well undone and scraped under the rug.  I feel that the reason for this lies in the fact that the outside world had a skewed view of things.  Because of their one-sided view, they may have felt that they were perhaps “better” than the “steps” and as such felt authorized to cast stones.  I’d like to challenge that belief.

You see, to me, when I hear the word “step” associated with me or my daughter’s name, it just doesn’t fit.  We are not step dad and step child.  We are father and daughter.  Plain and simple.  No steps.

I’m curious though, where did this word “step” come from anyway?  I can’t even find the origin of the term searching the internet.  That’s okay, there no need for one.  I’ve come to my own conclusions.

I think that the word “step” emerged to describe how non-biological children were treated in the past, and perhaps today too.  We’ve all heard about somebody being “stepped on”.  After careful review of friends, family society in general with mixed families, it’s plain to see that’s how many of these children have been treated.  They’ve been cast as “other”, or different.   They’ve been stepped on.  As such, that’s probably where they got the name “step children” from; from being “stepped” on.

At the same time, step parents have been stepped on.  Because of social acceptance standards, religious teachings, antiquated beliefs or just plain ignorance, many step parents have received the brunt of many cruel comments.

Steps Judged by Friends and Family

Just think about it.  You are at party and “they” walk in.  What’s the first thing people say (behind the scenes) to tell someone who they are.  “Oh, that’s so and so and her husband, and that’s her daughter but not his, he’s her step dad, but he’s a good man, he’s helped raise her, but she is not his.”  Or something like that.  You get the point.

By the way, I’m a little concerned about why I get to be the “step dad”.  It just doesn’t fit.  After all, I’m the one that stepped in and stuck around and raised my daughter?  Why do all of the men and women who raise other people’s children get to carry this non-deserved, derogatory title?  It sounds like a load of hogwash to me.

No need to answer, I’m about to change all of that in a minute.

To continue, just think about the poor child who has to deal with all of the confusion and mess made for them by their parents.  Being pulled back and forth between parents like some game, or just being left by the wayside for fate to raise.  In addition, they have to face the scorn and judgment passed upon them by the masses.  Again, stepped on.  Again a step.

A Tribute to the Brave Ones

There’s no need to dwell on the subject because we all know it’s true.  But here is something that you don’t know.

There’s a new word out there to describe people of mixed families.  There’ a new title.  Especially for the children and the dad’s (since we are the majority).

We’ve proven to be strong.  We’ve made it through the woods and have come out on top.  We have emerged victorious in our battle against judgments, opinions and ignorance.

For the kids…you have endured much more than you should ever need to endure in your life.  You have been strong, kind and patient.  You have come to terms with your parents differences.  You have forgiven all those who feel the need to cast labels upon you, treat you differently and view you as the “other”.

You have grown thicker skin, a stronger sense of pride and have learned to be tolerant and acceptant of ignorance.  You have gotten to the same place everyone else has gotten but have had a journey with a much more difficult path.

For the dads (and moms)…you have taken on a responsibility that is rightfully not yours.  You have taken on a difficult role.  You have stepped in when others have stepped out.  You have been there through the growing pains.  You have overcome the “baggage”.  You have created a new future for your children.  You have loved unconditionally.

The Image of the “Step” Finally Changed

Because of your willingness to step out and make a change in the world.  Because you stepped in when others stepped out.  Because you have taught others a great lesson.  Because you have been strong.  Because you have endured.  Because you have given others a chance.

From this day forward you will no longer be called “steps”.  Today I coin a new term.  A term that is more applicable.  A term that you will wear with pride.  One that says that you have been through the difficulty and have endured.  A term that carries a much different connotation.

You have earned the right to be looked up differently.  You are now the example of perseverance and pride.

Today I dub thee “Step-Ups”.  You’ve stepped up to the challenge and overcome.  You’ve stepped up to the plate and hit a homerun.  You’ve stepped up and provided hope for the future.  You stepped up and got going when the going got tough.

Continue to Step-Up and make your impression on the world.  Show them that love doesn’t have titles.  Continue to rise and Step-Up against adversity.  Continue to Step-Up to the plateau of your life!

Here’s to you Step-Up Children.  Here‘s to you Step-Up Dads.  Here’s to you Step-Up Moms.

Have a Step-Up Day!

Andrew Ramirez

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When I think of a step dad, I think of beer cans and wife-beater t-shirts.  When I think of step children, I think of the “red-heads and freckles”.  Yet I don’t drink beer cans and I don’t wear wife-beaters; and my daughter doesn’t have red hair or freckles.  So what’s the matter with this picture?

I think for too long, our society has downplayed reality and too loosely used derogatory terms because they were not representative of the “normal” American family.  Anytime something is different, we, as a society tend to add some negative connotation to it.

Well I’m here to tell you that if you fall into the category of someone who is still holding on to the notion of a “normal” American family where nuclear families, abstinence until marriage and one-partner relationships exist, you may have another things coming.

The Threat to the American Family

It seems to me that divorce is rising, teenage pregnancy is rising, one-night stands are rising and having multiple sex/life partners is rising.  Based on my general observation, I conclude that if these and other factors are rising, so too then will the mixed family.  It’s inevitable that we will have more red headed freckled kids and more wife-beater wearing beer drinkers.

Are you still with me?  Our American family structure is under attack.  We are in World War III.

This stuff hits close to home.  Especially for me.  I can plainly see how all of this will change the face of the American family.  How it has changed the American family.  As a matter of fact, it changed the face of my family so I know first-hand.  I’m now considered a step dad.  I’ve become a statistic.

And when I checked for references, it confirmed and…

The Statistics are Staggering

According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s Statistics on Cohabiting, Unmarried, Divorce and Remarriage, Teenage Pregnancy

• Teenage pregnancy is on the rise.  The rate rose in 2005-2006 from 3% to 7%
• 1/3 of all children entering stepfamilies were born to an unmarried mother rather than having divorced parents(National Survey of Families and Households)
• 40% of unmarried mothers are living with their child’s biological father at the time of birth, but because of the fragility of cohabitating relationships, one in three of these families break up
• 1300 new stepfamilies are forming every day.
• Over 50% of US families are remarried or re-coupled.
• The average marriage in America lasts only seven years
• One out of two marriages ends in divorce
• 75% remarry
• 66% of those living together or remarried break up, when children are involved.
• 50% of the 60 million children under the age of 13 are currently living with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner.
• The 1990 US Census stated there will be more stepfamilies than original families by the year 2000

The New “Normal” American Family

Sad but true.  These statistics summarize the facts.  Step dads and step children.  It’s clear now that the “normal” American family is the mixed family.  So there.  If you have a nuclear family, you are now red headed and freckled and your dad wears wife beaters and drinks beer.

It’s a little weird because I come from the old “normal” family, and now I live in the “new” normal family.  Talk about trend setting.

So what’s the point in all of this?

I guess the point is that we are living in a new reality.  We live in a society where the American family has changed.  We live in a society where mixed families are the norm.  We live in a society where our moral standards have changed.

The Difficult Mixed Family Reality

We live in a society where it’s difficult to find an “innocent” relationship.  It is difficult to find one that is kind and sweet and that has no “baggage”.  For example, I am now almost thirty five, and since high school, I have never gone out with a girl/woman that was a virgin, hadn’t had multiple sex partners or had one or more children.  Not only the sluts either, even the nice girls.

And no, it’s not the old Catholic upbringing that is focused on the “virginity” thing; it’s just that…well…

It’s now more difficult than ever to find a relationship that doesn’t come complete with the super-size combo package of closet skeletons, “untrust”, insecurity, abandonment and judgment… in both your partner and their children.  As such, most relationships never have a chance from the start.  In turn, we continue to perpetuate this negative cycle of partner turnover and play daddies.

The Call to Action for Family Survival

I guess having been through all of the trials and tribulations of a mixed family I ask that we stop the criticism.  I ask that we look for a solution.  I ask that we try and understand the difficulty of living in a world where past relationships scar partners.

I ask that we become more sensitive to those people who find that trust is so difficult to earn because someone has already abandoned and broken the heart of both their partner and perhaps their step child.

We have to wake up and recognize that our moral standards have declined or perhaps are just different.  And because of this change, our families are faced with more challenges and struggles than ever before.  We need educate our youth.  We need to educate our young adults.  We need to warn them of the consequences, difficulties and dangers of our celebritized sex, drugs and rock and roll filled society.

We need to protect our children.  We need to restore the balance.  We need to restore love, respect, communication, companionship and honor.  We must or our society will suffer.

I’ve made the commitment of going from nuclear family, to mixed family and now taking it back to nuclear family.  From step dad to real dad.  From having my daughter referred to as step child to plain old daughter.

How?  Through education.  I will educate my children and everyone else who is willing to listen.  I’m making my pact to restore innocence, love, respect and honor in the hopes that someday my children and perhaps yours can have a relationship that is open and honest and without barriers.

Join me.

Andrew Ramirez

P.S. Chances are, 1/3 of you who are reading this share the same experience.  You are either a step dad or step child.  My appeal to you.  Share your story.  Help our youth understand the pain and difficulty associated with our “loose” living.  Help them understand the consequences of both our and their actions.  Let’s breed confidence, happiness and joy.  Let’s not perpetuate this cycle of insecure and confused children.  Let’s restore our family.  Let’s do it together.

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Please forgive me for the way I am about to start but…

Some people are complete idiots.  They think that everything has to have a label.  They talk about things that they are completely ignorant about.  To them and anyone else who is interested here is some insight in my latest experience with becoming a “real” father.

My wife and I just had a brand new baby girl, Andrea Joy.  3 weeks ago I became what you could refer to as a new dad to a beautiful, healthy newborn baby girl.

We also have a 16-year old daughter, Brittney Amber.  I’ve raised Brittney since she was about two and a half.  She was the child of a previous relationship and quite frankly, her biological father walked out and has never been part of her life.  But that’s an entirely different story.

Throughout our pregnancy with Andrea, we received many warm wishes and congratulations.  At the same time we were the subject of many ignorant comments and we were asked many stupid questions.  Because we had waited so long (almost 14 years) to have another child, many people’s first question at the discovery of our great news was…“Was it planned? Was it an accident?  Are you happy?”

I’m not exactly sure what people really wanted to hear or know but I thought these questions to be somewhat inappropriate and uncouth.  In either case I indulged people with an answer.  And if you are still curious…No, it was not “planned”, we just stopped taking precautions and let nature take its course…No, it was not an accident; I don’t believe that any conception is an accident, everyone has a purpose…And to the ludicrous inquiry of whether or not we are happy…of course we are happy.

Okay, so now that is out of the way.  Let’s get back to the purpose of this article.

Leading up to the birth of our new baby girl, I was again bombarded with more ridiculous conversation.  “Are you ready to become a real dad?  Are you excited to have your own child?  Does it feel different?  What do you think it will be like to be a real dad?”

Again, I was at a loss.  The funny thing is that most of these people were close friends and family that had known me and my family for years.  So they were well aware of the 14 or so years I raised, loved and molded my oldest daughter Brittney.  She had been 100% part of our family from day one.

What do you mean a real dad?  Have my own child? What is a fake dad?  Maybe it’s the guy that left my daughter when she was so young without caring about her future.  Maybe it’s all of the men who participate in the best 13 seconds of their lives in the “making of” and leave their children for people like me to raise.  I’m not really sure.  And it’s really not that important to me.

What I do know is this.  I have loved, raised and treated my older daughter Brittney to the best of my capability.  Yes, there were rough times.  Yes there were selfish times.  Yes there were disputes and arguments.  But please tell me this, what house doesn’t have those issues?  We were so damn young.  We were still trying to figure ourselves out, let alone raise a little girl.

Then when referring to our baby on the way, people had the audacity to tell me that…“It will be different, you just wait and see.  Having your own child is so much more special.  There is no comparison for the love of your own child and one that is not yours”.  You couldn’t believe how many people gave me this line.

And now that the baby is born, I get…“Congratulations on becoming a father, a real father.   Well you know what I mean, you raised Brittney and all but it’s different.  She’s not really yours.  How does it feel?  It must feel different huh?”

Uh, duh, hello…and to answer all of the comments from both before and after the baby was born…of course it will be different, it is different.  I’m glad we got that out of the way.  Thank you Mr.’s Family Psychologists.

But you know what is more interesting than that?  The people who were so willing to share their insights and first-hand experience on the subject had no idea what they were talking about.  None of them had ever raised a child that was from another relationship.  None of them had any “step children”.  So what the f!@# could they possibly know?  Absolutely nothing.

So there you have it.  A grain of salt.  “Step dad, real dad, different dad, fake dad, etc…”  Labels.  Nothing but labels.  Opinions.  Judgment.

You know what?  Labels mean nothing.  Judgment means nothing.  Opinions mean nothing.

You know what does?  The truth.  And coming from someone who “knows”, here is the truth.

The truth is that I don’t know if it is different to be a real dad than a step dad.  I’ve never acted nor seen myself as a step dad.  I’ve given both of my daughters all of my heart.  Of course I am at a completely different stage in my life, more mature, more experience, more life, more education…so the truth is that it is very different.

The truth is that I love Brittney different than I did when I was in my early twenties.  The truth is that I love my Baby Girl Andrea like I’ve never loved any baby before.  The truth is that I love both of my Daughters in their own special way.

So being a real dad is great.  Being a dad is wonderful.  And just in case you are still curious…it will always be different.  It will always feel different.

As far as I can see, it will still continue to be different all the days of my life.  Diapers and High school dances.  Then perhaps baby’s first steps and big sisters first car.  Then maybe baby’s first heart break and big sister’s wedding.  Who knows?  So many great things to come.

In any case, I forgive any and all of you for your ignorance.  Perhaps this article will serve as the change you seek in your label filled life.

Start to look for the bigger picture.  Look for the truth.

Oh and by the way, if you are still in a “label” mode, please don’t refer to my daughters as “half-sisters”.  My kids are not half of anything.  They are both beautiful, whole, entire and complete God-sent human beings.

Thank you.

Real Dad , New Dad , Loving Dad , Never Step Dad

Andrew Ramirez

This is a poem I wrote for my daughter Brittney.  She asked that I share it with you.  I hope you enjoy…

I want to recount a part of my life – Something special not far in the past; It’s the story of a little girl who entered my world – And made an impression long last

As intricate and painful my story to tell – To be honest, candid and true; You deserve the truth to know it all – Dear Brittney, I owe it to you

I met you so small, just two and a half – So innocent, precious and small; In hindsight I see that I could have never known – Your purpose, an order so tall

You entered my life during struggle and pain – A young man still lost in his strife; Before I begin there’s something to know – Thank you for changing my life

Astonished, confused and full of innocent love – You survived my most selfish of days; I was blinded and dumb and cold you see – How you would change me in so many ways

I played the part the best that I thought – A farce father more like servant and master; How could you forgive my self-centered demeanor – My gosh, I was such a disaster

My rabid emotions, set wild and free – By internal mayhem, beer and wine; I’m sorry to say that I paid it no bother – After all you really weren’t mine

How difficult for you, how it must have been – To endure my emotional swings; It hurts to reflect that once upon a time – I taught you such horrible things

So foolish the games that were played in your house – To this you should have been kept far away; There is no excuse, for this adult made a mess – May it never again be part of your way

And then it occurred on that one special day – Your magic broke through my defense; I realized you loved me despite my charade – You forgave me, ‘Oh My’ how immense

No longer shall you have to carry my weight – Before you I stand a new man; My spirit and soul you set free at last – Forgive me, I pray that you can

I thank you today for having opened my eyes – Serenity, peace and happiness newfound; I owe it to you, your unwavering love – Has steered my new course, how profound

We now chitter and chat like two little girls – Our friendship has grown there’s no doubt; I found it the hard way, through darkness and depths – Amazing you showed me the route

We now run and play and dance and sing – It’s delightful, I’ve learned how to love; I thank God each day, he sent you to me – From Heaven you came, a sweet dove

This journey of mine is not yet complete – To you I bequeath all my best; To grow and to learn and to be a great Dad – I promise you, this is my quest

My desire for you, a purposeful life – I promise to show you the way; An example of love, joy and personal peace – Shall be my gift to you everyday

I hope that you know this message so strong – So powerful it brings me to tears; That you will be my Daughter for the rest of your life – Together we’ll enjoy the most wonderful years

One wish that I ask, I hope you’d agree – Please know it will make me real glad; Accept me 100% as your Father and guide – And from this day forward call me Dad

To my Daughter Brittney,

With All My Love,

Andrew Dad

Do you have a burning desire for success?  Is something holding you back from reaching your plateau but you don’t know what it is?

In this video, discover how limiting beliefs act as a major obstacle in your life.  Click the play button below to watch.

Inside you find…

• The 1 major barrier that holds people from getting over the tipping point on their journey to success
• 3 Simple questions you can ask yourself to identify your limiting beliefs
• A sweat family story that uncovers the worst universal family inheritance ever
• and more…

Click the play button to watch.

And by the way, let me know what you think and leave a comment in the space below.  I appreciate any and all feedback.

Thank you.

Andrew Ramirez